#27 Finding Common Ground
My husband and I used to have tremendous battles with my father-in-law. How could he be so wrong about so many things?! We would all get mad and raise our voices, dig in our heels and defend our positions. Not surprisingly, nothing changed. I can’t remember how long it was before I got smart and began looking for places where we could agree. As I focused on the things we held in common, he stopped seeming like such a jerk, it got easier to like him, and he even began seeing some merit in our point of view.
I think one of the big problems we’re facing right now in our deeply-divided country is that those of us around the big cities of the northeast and the west coast don’t have enough fathers-in-law in the south and Midwest to do that work of relationship building. There’s a scarcity of both contact and motivation, making it so much easier to just dismiss them all as jerks. (And, of course, the fact that many of them are doing the same in our direction doesn’t make things any easier.)
Without that regular contact it is too easy to fall into the traps of self-righteousness and separation. These are dangerous forms of self-indulgence. One of the defining characteristics of a racist, I’ve come to believe, is being content with the ability of your own world view to explain the experience and behavior of others. As I listen to many liberal/progressive/leftist types being so dismissive of those who have differing experience and views, I worry that we are willing to occupy that same destructive psychological space.
Our country is rife with manipulation and disinformation for sure. There are people in power with enormous blind spots in their humanity and scary agendas. But there are also millions of hard-working, ordinary, decent people who are not our enemy, whom we need to claim as part of us. It is the forces and lures of separation that are the real enemy.
We’ve been served up a plate of hot-button issues on which it’s practically impossible not to take sides. But there are real questions as well. What does the sacredness of life require? What is valuable about diversity? What is the essence of democracy? What are the values that give our lives meaning? What do we believe in deeply enough to sacrifice for? What is at the heart of what is right about this country? What is an abuse of free speech? What responsibility do we have for our neighbor? Who is our neighbor? Who is too different to respect? What is precious about the environment? How much is enough? What will make our children wise? These are important questions, and not ones that have easy Democratic or Republican answers.
Then there is another whole level of questions. What scares you? What makes you mad? What do you grieve? None of us has had enough opportunity to share fully and openly on these levels—and much of the good thinking of our citizenry is beyond our reach, hidden under layers of feeling.
I have a vision of everyone who despairs of a country divided into hostile camps finding someone on the other side, and making a commitment to engage in truly open communication, with the goal of listening, learning and finding common ground. I have a vision of religious denominations making matches between their congregations in different parts of the country, of sister city programs pairing towns in New England with those on the plains, of everybody looking to mine the potential of all their extended family networks. It may be more important at this time in history to make cross-cultural trips of understanding and relationship building within our own country than across national frontiers.
If the majority of people in the United States were persuaded by the message of our president, as they appear to have been, and if we want to shift those numbers, we can’t do it by talking to ourselves. And if we want to move beyond raising voices, digging in heels and protecting positions, we have to stop seeing those who disagree as gullible jerks. If we are really on the side of truth, there is nothing to lose, and everything to gain by going in search of other people’s hearts and respectfully engaging with their minds. We will have to face our fears—but we are already afraid. Rather than using our self-righteousness as a wall to protect us from the dangers that mass at our door, listening for truth can be the armor that takes us safely deep into Republican territory. Maybe this is the historic battle of our time.
Pamela Haines
Philadelphia, 11/04
I think one of the big problems we’re facing right now in our deeply-divided country is that those of us around the big cities of the northeast and the west coast don’t have enough fathers-in-law in the south and Midwest to do that work of relationship building. There’s a scarcity of both contact and motivation, making it so much easier to just dismiss them all as jerks. (And, of course, the fact that many of them are doing the same in our direction doesn’t make things any easier.)
Without that regular contact it is too easy to fall into the traps of self-righteousness and separation. These are dangerous forms of self-indulgence. One of the defining characteristics of a racist, I’ve come to believe, is being content with the ability of your own world view to explain the experience and behavior of others. As I listen to many liberal/progressive/leftist types being so dismissive of those who have differing experience and views, I worry that we are willing to occupy that same destructive psychological space.
Our country is rife with manipulation and disinformation for sure. There are people in power with enormous blind spots in their humanity and scary agendas. But there are also millions of hard-working, ordinary, decent people who are not our enemy, whom we need to claim as part of us. It is the forces and lures of separation that are the real enemy.
We’ve been served up a plate of hot-button issues on which it’s practically impossible not to take sides. But there are real questions as well. What does the sacredness of life require? What is valuable about diversity? What is the essence of democracy? What are the values that give our lives meaning? What do we believe in deeply enough to sacrifice for? What is at the heart of what is right about this country? What is an abuse of free speech? What responsibility do we have for our neighbor? Who is our neighbor? Who is too different to respect? What is precious about the environment? How much is enough? What will make our children wise? These are important questions, and not ones that have easy Democratic or Republican answers.
Then there is another whole level of questions. What scares you? What makes you mad? What do you grieve? None of us has had enough opportunity to share fully and openly on these levels—and much of the good thinking of our citizenry is beyond our reach, hidden under layers of feeling.
I have a vision of everyone who despairs of a country divided into hostile camps finding someone on the other side, and making a commitment to engage in truly open communication, with the goal of listening, learning and finding common ground. I have a vision of religious denominations making matches between their congregations in different parts of the country, of sister city programs pairing towns in New England with those on the plains, of everybody looking to mine the potential of all their extended family networks. It may be more important at this time in history to make cross-cultural trips of understanding and relationship building within our own country than across national frontiers.
If the majority of people in the United States were persuaded by the message of our president, as they appear to have been, and if we want to shift those numbers, we can’t do it by talking to ourselves. And if we want to move beyond raising voices, digging in heels and protecting positions, we have to stop seeing those who disagree as gullible jerks. If we are really on the side of truth, there is nothing to lose, and everything to gain by going in search of other people’s hearts and respectfully engaging with their minds. We will have to face our fears—but we are already afraid. Rather than using our self-righteousness as a wall to protect us from the dangers that mass at our door, listening for truth can be the armor that takes us safely deep into Republican territory. Maybe this is the historic battle of our time.
Pamela Haines
Philadelphia, 11/04
posted by Pamela Haines | 6:40 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home